Comfortable

There are some people that love routine. They thrive on a daily schedule, from breakfast to bedtime. Occasionally, I think that this kind of idea might actually be good for me, and I attempt to make little changes to set such a routine. Go to bed at a certain time. Update my blog once a month. Wake up and start my days off with a walk (ha yeah right; remind me again when the sun comes back out). And whenever I start a routine, it lasts for anywhere from a few days to a month tops. Then suddenly, I crave change again. I switch it up; try a new "routine".

It occurred to me recently that it's been six months since I've updated this blog. In the past half of a year, I had launched myself into my second year of teaching. My husband and I celebrated our one year anniversary, and yes, you can actually still be considered newly-weds afterwards. In typical fashion, I kept myself as busy as possible, and learned once again that if you don't sit down once in awhile to think about life and how good a little quiet can be, you may actually work yourself into oblivion. As much as I thrive on change, this seems to be a constant pattern in my life. Go figure.

Once I did sit down for a few minutes (but only a few), I started to think about the fine balance of being comfortable. I was comfortable in my work, but I needed to take a little time for me. I was comfortable in my photography, but that needed a little TLC (which happened as soon as summer vacation hit - Check out the new website HERE). From there I realized that PH, a change I did not so much thrive on, had settled into our family's life and had become our new constant, just a part of who we are.

Whenever something big happens, my family tends to travel. A marriage, a new baby, a diagnosis, you name it, we're there. So yes, I first started visiting my sister consistently because I was unsure of the future, scared out of my mind, and wanting nothing more than to be there. "I'll come every month!" I promised. Of course when that first month came that I couldn't make it, I felt guilty. Thankfully, it didn't take long for me to figure out that feeling guilty was the last thing either I or my sister needed. And once the initial shock of the diagnosis wore off, I settled into a much more comfortable routine of visiting when I could, but not "because she's sick" or I felt that I had to be there. I go because we're close, because we enjoy our time together.

When I first realized that something as drastic as a diagnosis had become just "part of our lives", new feelings were bound to come up. I couldn't help but wonder if I was taking these good days and easy-going routines for granted. Had I become too complacent, too comfortable? Sometimes I still think about the fact that the future is out of our hands, and that scares the crap out of me. Sometimes it's not the diagnosis on a family member that's the most difficult to navigate through, it's the emotions you deal with later. The never ending ups and downs of being scared one minute and accepting it the next. I realized that sometimes it's harder to accept that a certain emotion is there than it is to actually work through it. It took me months to say yes, I am angry, and it's okay that I'm angry. More recently, it's taken me months to say yes, I'm comfortable, and it's okay that I'm comfortable. It doesn't mean I need to jump up and try and find something more to do. It means I just need to sit back and enjoy the fact that right now, life is pretty good. :)