PHA and Generation Hope Video

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Comfortable

There are some people that love routine. They thrive on a daily schedule, from breakfast to bedtime. Occasionally, I think that this kind of idea might actually be good for me, and I attempt to make little changes to set such a routine. Go to bed at a certain time. Update my blog once a month. Wake up and start my days off with a walk (ha yeah right; remind me again when the sun comes back out). And whenever I start a routine, it lasts for anywhere from a few days to a month tops. Then suddenly, I crave change again. I switch it up; try a new "routine".

It occurred to me recently that it's been six months since I've updated this blog. In the past half of a year, I had launched myself into my second year of teaching. My husband and I celebrated our one year anniversary, and yes, you can actually still be considered newly-weds afterwards. In typical fashion, I kept myself as busy as possible, and learned once again that if you don't sit down once in awhile to think about life and how good a little quiet can be, you may actually work yourself into oblivion. As much as I thrive on change, this seems to be a constant pattern in my life. Go figure.

Once I did sit down for a few minutes (but only a few), I started to think about the fine balance of being comfortable. I was comfortable in my work, but I needed to take a little time for me. I was comfortable in my photography, but that needed a little TLC (which happened as soon as summer vacation hit - Check out the new website HERE). From there I realized that PH, a change I did not so much thrive on, had settled into our family's life and had become our new constant, just a part of who we are.

Whenever something big happens, my family tends to travel. A marriage, a new baby, a diagnosis, you name it, we're there. So yes, I first started visiting my sister consistently because I was unsure of the future, scared out of my mind, and wanting nothing more than to be there. "I'll come every month!" I promised. Of course when that first month came that I couldn't make it, I felt guilty. Thankfully, it didn't take long for me to figure out that feeling guilty was the last thing either I or my sister needed. And once the initial shock of the diagnosis wore off, I settled into a much more comfortable routine of visiting when I could, but not "because she's sick" or I felt that I had to be there. I go because we're close, because we enjoy our time together.

When I first realized that something as drastic as a diagnosis had become just "part of our lives", new feelings were bound to come up. I couldn't help but wonder if I was taking these good days and easy-going routines for granted. Had I become too complacent, too comfortable? Sometimes I still think about the fact that the future is out of our hands, and that scares the crap out of me. Sometimes it's not the diagnosis on a family member that's the most difficult to navigate through, it's the emotions you deal with later. The never ending ups and downs of being scared one minute and accepting it the next. I realized that sometimes it's harder to accept that a certain emotion is there than it is to actually work through it. It took me months to say yes, I am angry, and it's okay that I'm angry. More recently, it's taken me months to say yes, I'm comfortable, and it's okay that I'm comfortable. It doesn't mean I need to jump up and try and find something more to do. It means I just need to sit back and enjoy the fact that right now, life is pretty good. :)

Interview

My sister and a couple others interviewed about PH!

Listen to the interview HERE

Tell Everyone It's November

I am sitting at my computer with a single check next to me. A check made out to the Pulmonary Hypertension Association for $100.00

$100.00 . It is not a lot of money, obviously. But it is the first donation made from Amharc Photograpy. And that's big.

Since January 2008, a day hasn't gone by when I haven't thought about PH. There are times when it merely enters into my thought process, like it's simply part of my life, my routine. Then there's the questions, and occasionally anger. There are some moments when I read about a total stranger and feel sympathy I didn't know I had. Then there are the days when I admire my sister, and in turn all those who are fighting for the cause.

I've heard it said that when you watch someone going through something rough, you begin to claim you could never be that strong. It's true. I whine when I get the flu, nurse a tiny cut, and get frustrated when the kids I teach are being too loud. Occasionally, I actually enjoy hearing myself complain (admit it, so do you). But really, who has ever gone as far to think, "If I was diagnosed with something, I know I'd have the optimistic strength to fight!" I suppose you just do it. And I'm no saint, but it was time to do something. Anything. They were all fighting, why shouldn't I?

It took about 2 1/2 years to come up with the initial idea, a couple weeks to launch the website, 5 months (thusfar) of developing, 1 article featured in the PHA quartarly newsletter, and 2 family photoshoots to get here. And no, $100.00 isn't "a lot" of money. But it happened to come a few days into Pulmonary Hypertension Awareness Month. And it all goes toward increasing education, research, and eventually, a cure.

Now that's worth celebrating.

A HUGE thanks to the families who gave me the opportunity to do your photo shoots. You made this first donation happen!

It's that time...

Amharc Photo is off this weekend doing two separate family portrait sessions at a local apple orchard! Contact amharcphoto@gmail.com to schedule your own session now!

Cost: $60

Prints and CD's: Prices will vary

Closing out summer

A visitor

I guess summer is coming to an end, because I am actually sitting here in moccasins, jeans and a long-sleeve shirt. And watching America's Got Talent. (That has nothing to do with summer ending, it is only because I'm addicted).

But I digress. It's been a good summer. In between working at a local ice cream and fudge shop (fabulous), Amharc Photography has begun to take off. I started with an interview for the Pulmonary Hypertension Association quarterly newsletter. This took place about two weeks after I launched my website, and three weeks after I decided I was going to start trying to sell my photos. Needless to say, I was surprised at the sudden attention.

Throughout the last few months, I have spent quite a bit of time at a camp and conference center photographing both campers and staff. The idea was to primarily shoot for the brochures - "quality shots" - a challenge and experience I am very glad to have. Driven from a suggestion from a staff member, I also set up photo shoots for every department, asking them to come up with the ideas. It made them nervous. "What can we do? How should we look?" Most of them went straight for improv. Improv made for the best shots. Check us out on Facebook to view all photoshoots!

Really, it's been a good summer

On Blogging, Growing up, and PH

I've never been much of a blogger. And I'm even worse about starting them. Once upon a time, I was an "aspiring writer" - you couldn't get me to stop. I wrote ridiculous poetry as a kid, short stories riddled with no true talent and journaled like the next Anne Frank. You know how every time you don't know what to say to a kid, you ask them what they want to be when they grow up? I couldn't wait to answer that one. "An author!"

Then one day I discovered that you don't have to write all the time when there is so much already written. Books became my next time-passing phenomenon which was followed by some more writing. In high school, I switched to dabbling a bit in guitar, followed by dog training, which was only after my bi-weekly rock climbing workout.... I like change, and in the process of jumping from one hobby to the next, discovered that what I would really like to do is move. So I packed, and moved a whopping two hours away. That's right, living on the wild side.

I was excited. I was on my own for the first time, and decided in celebration of the fact to live and work at a camp which was strategically placed on a lake in the middle of nowhere. I'd grown up there as a kid, worked a summer after I graduated, and thought hey why not I could live here for awhile. Hundreds of people nearly every weekend and almost eerily quiet during the week. Fabulous.

All my stuff was organized in my cabin (and by all I mean I had consolidated everything except two maybe three boxes into my Honda Civic). I lived right on a hill above the lake, which was frozen solid at the time. The camp was freezing, and with the wind chill factor off the lake, the temperature would often drop below zero. But even that wasn't enough to cure me of my new adventure. Sure I was only a quick drive or a phone call away from my family, but I kind of liked that aspect too.

That "phone call away" decided to come about three days after I moved in. It was my Mom, no doubt missing her baby and just wanting to see how things were over at the camp. I picked up the phone ready to fill her ears with how happy I was and wow the people here are great and...

PH is what we talked about instead. "I just got a call from your sister, and she's been diagnosed with something called Pulmonary Hypertension." Even after it was all explained to me, I still didn't get it. Then again, none of us did because there was no simple way to process it all. My brain activates as far away as possible from scientific ideas, so I wrote the words down on a sticky note just so I could remember them.

We were only a couple days away from our first big group (about 350 people) staying at the camp. I went straight to my boss. "Look," I said, "I know I just got here. But I might have to leave... Maybe for a weekend, maybe actually leave, I don't know. We just don't know yet......." I had to give this speech a few times to a couple managers of the camp and curious but very supportive co-workers.

PH affects the whole family. Hours worth of phone calls with each family member made me think for awhile that I had to be the strong one. Why, I don't know - there really is nothing wrong with not being strong sometimes. I wasn't trying to deny my own process of figuring this thing out, I just thought I was the designated one to be okay for awhile.

But I wasn't okay. I thought through a million things on life and disease and misunderstandings. I thought a million why's and what if's, trying desperately to grab some sort of control on the issue. Sometimes I think if I have control, it will actually be okay. Sometimes I lie to myself.

People noticed my change. It came at it's worst just as summer camp was starting, and just as I was supposed to counsel kids for the next six or seven weeks. This meant living with a group of about ten girls for a week at a time. This meant the camp hired me as someone they saw with leadership potential and reliability. Meanwhile, i was falling apart at the seams. No biggie.

I talked a lot that summer about how to keep going. I didn't always get into details, but I told the kids in my cabin that it's okay when we don't have answers. I told them I was saying that because all my life I had answers for things, but that had changed. I talked about growing up when you weren't really ready. I was honest when I told them that faith was something that needed to be held onto, but not because my faith was strong. Not because I even wanted to say I believed in much anymore. The kids I counseled that summer came with some serious baggage. They had problems, I had problems. And we connected. I was starting to maybe get some things, and I saw them getting it too.

Still took me about two years to write about it...